SNL season premiere!!

i'm very excited about the new season of SNL...but really i hope it wont be too much to swallow. if it is can shut it off and go to bed. they can be funny but they can also go over the line. i read somewhere that they fired a girl from last year because she didnt lose weight. i think it was because she wasnt funny. i dont know her name, but just her face.

so i'm really dealing with some things....i am tired of holding back.. i feel like i do that constantly. i mean i realize why i hold back but i'm tired of it. it's draining. but i really dont have a choice. i would be miserable otherwise. (i'm not insane..just thinking outloud....well thinking while blogging!)

i prayed with rachel tonight. i really feel so inadequate. i'm making her really study Joshua 29. God has plans for her...she has to be open to them. it's so hard.

ooohhhhh it's raining. i love the rain. it makes everything shiny and clean. fresh. there's a lesson in there somewhere. i had a conversation with someone this week about sin nature. and yes i realize we are born with it. but then i hear the rain & i can see everything glisten and sparkle afterwards...and smell so good after a good soaking and think....wow....we are blessed in our sin nature huh!

someone told me about 2 weeks ago that "Jesus judged the heart not the actions of man." i pray that to be true for myself. i've been mulling that over since he said that to me.

my heart is for my children to know God. beyond that....well...what else is there for me?

ok, i'm not sure why i'm saying this or jumping all over. just talking.

it's quiet here. everyone is in bed.

my oldest niece, Olivia, will be 18 years old tomorrow. Happy Birthday Olivia!

my oldest child will be 18 in 4 years. time just flies by. it's amazing. i wonder how much time was in the day before God set darkness & light apart? how does that work...no clock...? no time.... can you imagine?

ramblings

its been a rough couple of days. sickness in the house. no fun. school is lagging. it's been raining. i'm cycling so i'm tired a lot. i put the baby in her big girl crib. she's only 5 1/2 months old. how did that happen? well she's almost 6 months (on the 6th of Oct.) but man,,,it flew by. she's so precious. quite frankly they all are. they grow up way to fast. all of them.

i'm trying to do a quilt for my mother for christmas...one with all of the family pictures on it. i'm just waiting on Christi's pictures (that's my youngest sister). i guess i can start cutting out pieces. i have 3 months. i would really like to give it to her at thanksgiving if we are going down for thanksgiving (which we are). anyway....abby has been learning bible verses and she is doing so well. she has memorized Acts 16:31 "believe on the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved - you and your household.". that has really been rolling around in my brain. its definitely a promise huh?!

also i have had to help rachel talk through her black belt paper. she has to write a 2 page paper. well she has to discuss her faith. they are staunchly baptist at the dojo. they believe that salvation is a gift (yes) and that if you accept that gift you cant just lose it or rather backslide. like if you accept that gift you can never reject it. and you cant lose your salvation because it's not yours anyway...it's God's gift. i dont want to misrepresent their teachings. i dont think you gain salvation until your physical death anyway...... it's just such a hard thing....teaching the kids why we believe what we believe. plus i dont really want rachel to have to worry about the "what ifs" ..i just want her to live it. you know? but i would be lying if i said i didnt consider the "what ifs" so how can i expect her to not?

it's been a long week only to make for a long weekend.

i guess i should go to bed. i need to take the baby for pictures tomorrow. i just might! she's so cute. i need to do them all together & then all seperately. that would cost an arm & a leg. maybe i will just dress them up and take them outside if the weather is nice tomorrow. that will be fun....NOT! but it does need to be done.

so my birthday is coming up. i absolutely hate it....i know what i want....but i hate wanting what i want because i will just be disappointed so what is the point of wanting? it's been like that forever & will always be. i just cant figure out why my birthday desires are never really important but everyone else's is? i make sure of that. whatever. i'm having a pity party...i'm sure the cycle isnt helping. i just want to forget the birthday though. i have to put on the fake smile and be happy! oh yeah for me...a book! well i do like books. a lot. like i like sharpies...... and ticondaroga pencils. so i wont complain about books.

i'm fat also. clay has no problem pointing that out..in a very not appreciated way. he thinks it's funny. it's not funny. it's not like i say to him..hey get a tan & tone up flabby. i realize i need to lose weight. i dont need him pointing it out all the time..everytime i eat....everytime i think to get a snack. whatever. i think i'm working myself up into a worse mood then i already am! yikes. that could be bad for everyone tomorrow.

and about tomorrow...yet again i will be home with the kids alone...all on me. i think i'm a single parent. i dont want to be a single parent. i want to sleep late tomorrow. fat chance. but i did want the kids. so i guess i will sleep late when they are gone and that makes me sad. i never want them to leave. i love them so much...all of them. i need to let elizabeth do something special tomorrow...like help cook or get the girls sewing machine down and let her make something easy like a pillow case. something. she gets so bored and she is so helpful. i'm letting rachel rest as much as she can this week to hopefully get back to 100% by Monday. and of course the 3 little ones...well they do their own thing. i might get abby to do school tomorrow. she will like that.

ok...i guess i'm done rambling.....oh i thought about taking them to the beach to get a jar of beach water and then we will bring it back and look at it under the microscope. scary huh. oh i want to do that with sperm also. i know...too much info but i want to see if you can see the little guys swimming...seriously....what a lesson in human anatomy...but i just want to see out of curiousity. whatever. it wont happen.

Labor Day

we were watching the National Geographic Channel and there was a program on about the Vietnam War. i am constantly amazed at how the demeanor or the tone of the speaker is always so somber when speaking about that war. now i get why that is but i dont look at that war as a blight on our soldiers.... i look at it as a condemnation of our politicians. that war was fought or tried to be fought by the politicians here at home. our men on the front lines had to put up with their bad decisions. if the armed forces had been allowed to go into the enemies' camp then there would have been a better resolution i believe.

i am starting to be afraid that we are involved in another "vietnam" with afghanistan & iraq. it's really sad to me - our men fighting...boys really...in a lot of aspects. i do know that most of the "men" who fought in vietnam were boys...like just out of high school boys. can you even imagine?

so as we get ready to celebrate another holiday...labor day.... i am thankful for the men & women who serve in our Armed Forces and as of today continue to provide America with her blanket of freedom.

anyway, here is a picture from vietnam that i have from a friend. & the other is a picture of a friend of ours who is serving now. both are or have been called at one time in their lives... United States Marine.

he had just jumped out of an Airplane.

our friend is in the back row...2nd from the right..he was in Iraq when this picture was taken.