well by now more people then i wanted to know - know that i'm pregnant with my 5th child. or 5th & 6th depending on what the next few ultrasounds say. i'm not holding my breath on the twins dream though! i hate letting people into my world. when people get let in they feel like they get to comment and make jokes or like they get to express their opinion on the state of my life.
i also feel like when i let people in i lose control of what is going on. then i have to consider everyone else with my decisions. i'm not sure i'm making sense but i guess i feel like this is my baby and i get to make the decisions concerning the baby and myself. i dont want anyone to bother me or especially touch me. why do people feel like they have the right to touch a pregnant woman's belly? i hate that. i barely touch it myself!
my children are excited. abby grace keeps saying "it will be a white baby boy" - like there is an option. well between a boy or a girl. i'm thinking the baby will be a girl but either way it will be really cool.
these are the names i've picked out:
Luther Jeremiah for a boy.
Esther Adlai or Esther Isabelle for a girl.
and that's another thing - people get to comment on the names i've picked out. it's my baby. i get to name the baby. i dont care if my girl friend doesnt like esther. i do.
i just want everything to go well. i want a healthy baby.
i dread church on Sunday. oh it's a big joke, me being pregnant with my 5th baby, you know, no TV and all. i hate that. i hate being anyone's joke.
anyway, there's my little vent. i'm happy about the baby. i'm not happy about how sick i am or the decisions i need to make concerning permanent birth control - but that decision has to be made with my diabetes. i'm not happy about the constant, day to day worry. and not to sound so centered on me - i'm way worried about everyone involved dealing with this pregnancy. meaning the kids getting through all of the doctor's appt. and me being gone a lot and for longer and longer periods of time towards the end, the daddy getting through having another kid!...but we will get through. no doubt. and the end result will be precious.