Wednesday, January 26, 2011

illness & longings of my heart

well the lovely little vomiting bug going around finally reached us. abigail, asher & esther all got hit...abigail is still down a bit with it. but thank God it's only been 36 hours or so. not even a full 48 hours yet. i'm tired. yesterday was the worst of it. it was a long, long, long day. esther fought using a bowl and was extremely clingy to mother yesterday. i have got to get her on video of doing the "itsy, bitsy spider" song. abigail vomited on sheets and then lay in it so not to bother anyone (she did that through the night also). asher.....sweet asher.....would quietly walk to the bathroom, throw up, wipe his mouth & be done. i think the word "stoic" just comes to mind about him. and the way he talks...his accent...what a loverboy! i'm pretty much in love!
speaking of being in love......well levi has my heart too. we spend a lot of time together. especially in the darkness of night. he looks at me with such love & wonder when he wakes up and needs to eat. how can i sleep when he stares at me like i give him the very breathe he is breathing? i talk to him. sing to him. hold him. rub his feet & his little face. hold him close & snuggle. he's so precious.
now with all of that being said - and yes i know i'm completely out of my mind - i want to be pregnant again.
i had a conversation wth a dear friend today & they said "well why cant you be content with levi?" it has nothing to do with not being content with levi. i am madly in love with levi. i am happy with levi. i dont begrudge the lack of sleep. i dont begrudge my life being a sacrifice to him...or any of my children. i love my children. i just miss being pregnant. i miss the excitement, the anticipation of the new baby. i dont want to be done. i dont want this time in my life to be over.
the stark reality is i will most likely never be pregnant again and that makes me hurt.  my heart, beating in my chest, physically aches over that thought. tears automatically spring to my eyes (as they are doing as i type) when i have that thought.
am i crazy? probably. do i have major dsyfunction in this desire in my life? most likely. do i care that i might be dsyfunctional or crazy? nope, not at all. why? because the outcome is such a blessing. a baby does nothing but bring joy - overall.
anyway, that's on my mind.
but back to levi. he looks like a giant baby in the following pictures, but in reality he is 10 weeks old & only weighs 10lbs. i love him. he is so special. and he has a tint of RED hair. I LOVE IT!

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