Tuesday, January 18, 2011

"winter of my discontent"

i feel like i'm swimming in quicksand.
i feel major depression settling in like the darkness of night.
i live in a world of my own making and i'm ready to abdicate the thrown.
i long for something that evades me like an enemy in a foreign land.
tiredness has seeped into my bones to the point of feeling as if i'm made of lead.
i am not enjoying this....this feeling of discontentment. not enjoying this feeling of unwillingness, almost, to continue....as it feels as if it's an unworthy endeavor.
feeling like i'm being suffocated..... like i am the biggest fraud on the planet......like no one truly knows me...as surely no one knows what goes on in my head nor my heart....well almost no one.
i keep fighting these feelings of complete discontentment...of despising the way i look in my skin or rather in a mirror. i keep fighting to continue with the meager energy that i have. even with feeling like i'm drifting & ready to let go of the very loose grip i have on the raft keeping my head above water....i KNOW....i fully know...i have a life worth living. that i have enough that is worthy of sacrifice. where i have much....some have so little & would give their very souls to have a moment in my shoes. and still...to use a phrase coined by john steinbeck...i am in the "winter of my discontent".
but with these faces....how does any of what i just wrote apply?

Levi - 9 weeks old

Esther - 21 months old

Asher - 4 years old

Abigail Grace - 5 years 9 mths

Elizabeth - 11 1/2 years old

Rachel - 16 years old in 20 days

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