Saturday, February 19, 2011

i am not the type of person who longs to be a child again...not usually. when i was a child i wanted to make my own decisions & i couldnt wait to get "out". i'm sure, actually i know, that attitude of wanting control caused a lot of conflict between my mother & myself. but even knowing how i hated not being in what i wouldnt give to be a kid again. to go to bed and not have to worry about anyone or anything. i am so tired. i am depressed. i am just really on the edge of holding it together. i am worried sick about my little one. i am worried about letting him sleep. he sounds awful tonight. of course the doctor said the nights would be worse with the RSV/Bronchilitis. and he has slept all day. ALL DAY! which concerns me. when babies are little, sleeping is an indicator of their bodies kind of shutting down to heal. not that he's shutting down...he isnt...the rest is good for him, but with him sleeping for long periods of time i am having to wake him up to eat. dehydration would be really bad so i have to make sure he feeds well. and he is.
i know i'm worrying uselessly. i know that he is going to be fine. i know that babies get this all the time & i'm thankful that i live in America where he is being treated & we have easily accessible meds to make him better. BUT this is my baby. my little levi. my babies dont get sick. not this young. this is very abnormal for me. asher was sick around 9 months old with ear infections. and abigail & asher had to have surgeries when they were around 9 months old & a bit older. but this sucks...having a baby be sick. he cant tell me what's wrong. and i am constantly touching him, holding him, listening to him breath. and through it all he is smiling. he is being sweet. it breaks my heart....he will cough a body racking cough & then smile at me. thank God for levi's sweet countenance.
and between all of that tiredness & worry i have been thinking about accountability. when we sin we are accountable...not for just ourselves, but for everyone the sin whatever way. sin is pervasive....and it has tentacles that just grow out & touch and destroy. and i'm not talking about anything in particular....i was actually pondering the situation in wisconsin...and it had me thinking about accountability. weird i know. i'm just sad.
i'm being a downer i know. sorry.
the kids had their saturday, going to church tomorrow baths - even though asher & esther will not be going. i blow dried their hair. and there is nothing better than a clean toddler/child with freshly washed dry hair. oh man...beautiful kids!!!! it felt good to stay on some sort of routine.

this is esther from yesterday. she didnt like hearing no so  yes that is a real tear in her eye. i was able to get her to turn around by promising to let her see the pictures. she looks so much like rachel did at her age except rachel had big blue eyes.

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